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Chapter 2 (continued)
Abuse (cont.)
Effects of Abuse
Loss
Those who are sexually abused in childhood experience a great deal of loss. Lew provides the following insights into what victims lose. Many victims of abuse experience a loss of childhood memories. Traumatic memories of abuse are repressed to escape the pain they create. But many other memories of childhood may also be repressed to the point where some victims may have few memories of any kind from that period of their lives. Abusive situations tend to be isolating, either because the perpetrator keeps the victim away from other children or because the victim’s loss of self-esteem and trust cause him to separate himself from others. This creates a loss of social contact and interaction. Abuse may also cause the victim to be unable to relax enough to enjoy spontaneous play. His opportunities for play, and subsequently, the learning that children gain from play may thus be lost. This inability to play can continue into adulthood. Most victims of sexual abuse experience a sense of loss of control over their own bodies. For those victims who were abused by the people who should have provided nurturing and care, there is a profound loss of the normal nurturing and love that children need.19(p69-17)
Relationship Problems
Sexual abuse happens in a relationship with another person. Such inappropriate and destructive relationships have a negative impact on other relationships. Survivors of abuse sometimes isolate themselves to avoid the pain associated with relationships. Having been hurt many times in the past, they do not want to open themselves again. It is also common for survivors to involve themselves in relationships that are volatile and very short. Often they will find themselves, years after the original abuse took place, involved in another abusive relationship. Or they may settle for generally poor relationships with people, perhaps feeling that they are worthy of no better. It is not uncommon for a survivor to create a relationship with another survivor. Although such relationships can be healthful and healing, they can also be very unhealthy and destructive.19(p130-134)
The concept of power in relationships may become very confused for a survivor of abuse. Having been the recipient of a misuse of power by one or more significant adults in his life, he may come to see the world as divided into two groups: victims and perpetrators. He may respond to this by determining never to be a victim again and thus becoming a perpetrator instead. Or he may determine that he will never do to another what was done to him and thus remain a victim. A third possible option is for the person to become a protector of others so that he can give and receive nurturing in a non-abusive way.19(p43-44)
Self-Recriminations
It is very common for survivors of abuse to blame themselves for what happened and to feel a great deal of shame for it. They are likely to believe that they allowed themselves to be treated in that way. They may say that they should have stopped it. If any part of the abuse was enjoyable to them, they may feel an even greater sense of weakness and failure as a man.19(p57) Since male bodies are naturally very responsive to sexual stimulation, even an abusive situation is likely to produce some arousal, which may be interpreted as enjoyment. Also, perpetrators will often try to convince the child that the child is enjoying the sex. This may lead a victim to believe that he was the one who wanted it, that it was his fault, and that he is bad.19(p132-133)
Abuse creates a negative self-image within survivors. This negative self-perception is based on the abuse rather than on any real personal qualities. It is a very difficult perception to change. Even when others are kind or complimentary toward the survivor, he is likely to misread or write off their positive responses to him. He may question their integrity, devalue their credibility or personal worth, think they are patronizing him, or conclude that they just don’t know him yet.19(p120)
In addition to self-blame and poor self-image, survivors often feel inferior and powerless. This can lead to a feeling that they are “hopelessly flawed” and may keep them from even trying to change their lives. They may come to believe that the only answer for their total flaw is complete perfection, which sets up a dichotomous mind set where perfection and worthlessness, all or nothing, are the only ways of living.19(p118-119)
Responses and Compensation
Some victims of abuse may feel a need to prove their masculinity and will try various inappropriate means of doing so, such as sexual conquests or self-destructive behavior. Similarly, some may try to conceal their perceived weaknesses by going after great achievements in business or other pursuits. Some simply give up trying to deal with their pain and become repeat victims for other perpetrators. Some struggle through life feeling that strength and power are beyond their ability and fearing the exposure of their dark secret.19(p41-42)
One response to the painful emotions survivors feel is to numb all of their emotions and to become emotionally dead. Young victims may find certain behaviors that help them to numb themselves. These may develop into addictions by the time they become adults.19(p109) One response of victims to the anxiety of having been abused by another male is to get involved in homosexual behavior in a misguided attempt to prove to themselves that they do not enjoy it. However, the repeated experience of the behavior actually draws the person in and reinforces the opposite of what they set out to prove.20(p124)
Confused Sexual Feelings
When a survivor has been molested by his father or some father figure, his natural longing to be close to his father becomes confusing. He may not know if he wants affection or sex from the father.20(p124) This can be generalized to include other men as well. Davies and Rentzel relate the case of a young man who was molested by his father. Later when a gym teacher showed appropriate interest in him he became confused about what the coach wanted. His first thought was of sex. “If somebody loved you, they had sex with you.”20(p123)
The normal boundaries between impulse and behavior are destroyed by sexual abuse, and victims may believe that feelings always lead to behavior. This may lead to a belief that even their sexual feelings are “bad.” The survivor may begin to obsessively scrutinize each feeling for sexual content, or he may deaden all his feelings and avoid situations where he might become sexually aroused.19(p185-186) The opposite of this is compulsive sex. Some survivors engage in very frequent sexual liaisons but at the same time do not want to be touched by their partners, other than on their genitals. Touching for them may be an intimacy requiring interpersonal trust that they do not have. Sex that is purely genital and anonymous gives them a false sense of being cared about without having to trust.19(p129)
Sexual Abuse Contributes to Homosexual Identity
Survivors of same-gender sexual abuse may wonder if having been sexually involved with another male means they are homosexual or if it is what made them homosexual.19(p54-55) Boys who become confused about their sexual identity due to abuse may grow up feeling weak, vulnerable, defenseless, and detached from their masculinity. They may explore their sexuality in the same way they were taught to by their perpetrator—through homosexuality.20(p124)
A number of studies have been conducted to find the correlation between same-sex abuse and homosexuality. One study reported that young males who were sexually abused by older males are about four times as likely to engage in adult homosexual activity compared to males who were not abused. The researcher speculated that victims may come to believe they are homosexual because of the fact that another male (the abuser) found them sexually attractive. According to the same study, if the victim reported experiencing any pleasure during the abuse he is even more likely to consider himself homosexual.22(p86)
A similar study found that among males abused by other males the likelihood of becoming homosexually identified was seven times greater than among nonabused men and the likelihood of becoming bisexually identified was six times that of nonabused men. The same study reported that 65% of those who were sexually abused said the abuse affected their sexual identity.22(p86)
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