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Chapter 3 (continued)
The Family Structure (cont.)
Father, Mother, and Son
The relationship between a father, mother, and child is frequently referred to in psychological literature as the “triangular system.” The relationship between a particular type of triangular system and homosexuality has been established over the past 85 years, beginning with Freud. Nicolosi lists over 20 studies that support this concept.7(p78-80) The study by Bieber and his colleagues, which we have already reviewed extensively in this chapter, describes this triangular system in detail. This study is used as the basis for our discussion here. Remember that what is presented here is a general pattern and is not intended to fully represent every case. Many variations of this pattern may occur, and the pattern sometimes exists in subtle or incomplete forms.
Classical Triangular System
A “classical” triangular system leading to homosexuality includes a “close-binding-intimate” mother who dominates and minimizes her husband, the detached father. In Bieber’s study such a system occurred in 62% of the homosexual cases, but in only 25% of the control group cases—a statistically significant difference.8(p142) It is within this triangle that the problems described above between fathers and sons and between mothers and sons are played out. In this situation, an over-sympathetic (or dominating) mother might provide such safety from a frightening father that the boy could totally disengage from the father.7(p29)
At the same time, the father may be so detached that he does not intervene in the destructive behaviors of the “close-binding-intimate” type mother. If the mother and father argue frequently, the boy may sympathize with his mother and identify with her hurt. He may come to see masculinity as brutal and insensitive and may reject his own masculinity.7(p83) Furthermore, when mothers place themselves between the father and son through overcontrol and domination, the boy comes to see his father through the feminine perspective of his mother, which distorts and dilutes it.7(p40)
The problems in the triangular system are reflected in Bieber’s study through statistics showing who the sons wanted to be like in childhood. Among the homosexual group 26% wanted to be like their mother as compared with only 2% of the control group. Only 17% of the homosexual group wanted to be like their father as compared with 34% of the control group.8(p194)
Bieber found the interactions between the homosexual patients and their parents to be very disturbed and PATHOLOGICAL. He states that in these families “neither parent had a relationship with the [homosexual] son one could reasonably construe as ‘normal.’” All of these parents showed signs of “severe emotional problems,” which contribute to a conflictive marriage in which the son becomes entrapped.8(p310) Bieber also points out that parents’ attitudes toward their children are established by the time the child is four years old. After that time the child will be continually exposed to the same parental attitude, which, if it is negative, can have deep and lasting consequences.8(p311) Bieber states: “From our statistical analysis, the chances appear to be high that any son exposed to this parental combination will become homosexual or develop severe homosexual problems.”8(p172)
Child Self-Blame
Children commonly idealize their parents. A boy will likely assume that, because his parents are bigger and far more advanced than he, they are right in anything they do. Dallas points out that this can lead to children assuming the blame for any rejection they perceive from their parents.3(p101-102) This can lead to the child feeling shame, believing he is at fault because others will not give him what he feels he needs.4(Tape 4) The child may also respond to such situations by crying, complaining, or pleading with his parent. If the parent doesn’t respond to his protest, the boy may interpret that to mean that he is unentitled to the caring of others during his times of need.3(p152)
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PATHOLOGICAL: something that is abnormal or dysfunctional.2(p521)