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Chapter 4 (continued)
Same-Sex Ambivalence (cont.)
Detachment
Detachment begins when the boy experiences something in a relationship that is hurtful to him. Essentially, he puts up a wall to protect himself from being hurt again.13(p110) He separates himself form the person, or people, who caused the pain because he is sure that relating to them again will bring more pain and he doesn’t want to take the chance.4(p107)
Development of Detachment
Moberly and Joseph Nicolosi see detachment as arising out of the father-son relationship very early in life. They theorize that during the time when the small boy is most receptive to establishing an identification with his father (see chapter 1) he experiences something in the relationship as hurtful or disappointing. He distances himself from his father to avoid being hurt or disappointed again.14(p105) The parent may not have intended any harm to the child, and the child may not show outward signs of having been deeply hurt.3(p4) Nevertheless, the hurt has occurred and is deep enough that the boy becomes unwilling and even resistant to relating or feeling an attachment to the father any longer. Even after the original hurt is gone and forgotten, the resistance toward the father continues.3(p5-6)
The boy becomes unwilling to trust the father again, which may develop into a deep inability to trust the father.3(p45) The behavior of the parent after this point is irrelevant, according to Moberly. Even if the father offers love, the child cannot receive it.3(p4) So the identification that should occur between the boy and his father does not occur. What occurs instead is a disidentification,” or a reaction against identifying with the father.3(p12) Nicolosi points out that the damage resulting from this situation is not done by the father but by the son’s defensive detachment from his father.14(p161)
Once this defensive detachment is established in the relationship with the father it then becomes generalized to relationships with other boys and men.3(p5, 7) The individual closes himself off from intimate relationships with others as a means of self-protection, and he may not even realize he is doing so.13(p108) He has not identified with his father, and in generalizing the disidentification he rejects the masculinity that his father represents.14(p105) This obviously prevents the boy from acquiring an understanding of masculinity.14(p106)
In writing about his own experience, Jeff Konrad said: “I wasn’t able to exchange ideas, thoughts, fears, questions, etc., with other boys. I denied myself the opportunity to discover the feelings of my male peers and how they responded to different things in life.”15(p72) He says this also reinforced his sense of being different and alone. Nicolosi adds that this separation from masculinity alienates the individual from his own real self.14(p105)
Resultant Issues
The defensive detachment can result in a number of problems in relationships with other men. Nicolosi writes that there may be a tendency to disengage from relationships when problems arise and a subsequent devaluation, or shutting out, of the other person.14(p106) There may be a fear (and also an excitement) of being truly seen by other men.14(p272) There may also be a fear of being betrayed or deceived, or there may be fragility in relationships where a slight problem may destroy a tentative trust.
In addition to fear, detachment can also create anger in male relationships. Fear and anger may be expressed as “hostility, competitiveness, distrust, and anxiety about acceptance.”14(p211) Moberly elaborates on the problem of hostility, saying that it “may be expressed in the form of antagonism towards colleagues of the same sex; in a marked tendency towards ‘injustice-collecting,’ or fault-finding and the accumulation of resentment.”3(p7) Also, both Moberly and Nicolosi mention problems with authority3(p6), 14(p102) or with parental figures.3(p7)
Detachment may also lead an individual into creating a fantasy that he is unique or special14(p215) He may perceive himself as better than other “ordinary” men because he is more sensitive or artistic. This may lend to the difficulty such men experience in developing relationships, thus feeding the detachment.14(p197-198) Effeminacy and preference for the company of females are additional manifestations of defensive detachment and a failure to identify with masculinity.3(p11)
Bob Davies and Lori Rentzel list a number of problematic behaviors and attitudes that are associated with defensive detachment. These include the following:
- anger in such forms as explosiveness, silence, and scaring others away
- sarcastic humor that patronizes and puts down others or minimizes the need for relationships
- isolating from other people
- reluctance to receive help from others
- always assuming control of situations one is in
- disclosing selectively while keeping the real problems hidden
- addictiveness and compulsive behaviors, especially toward pornography and anonymous sex
- avoiding physical contact with other people; avoiding personal issues in conversation by talking about impersonal things
- maintaining standards of friendship that are so high that no one can live up to them
- investing emotionally in pets as a substitute for human friendships.13(p108-109)
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