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Chapter 4 (continued)
Boyhood Manifestations (cont.)
Peer Relation Problems
As mentioned above, two of the most widely acknowledged childhood patterns among pre-homosexual boys are non-masculine behavior and problems in relationships with male peers.14(p XVI) One review of literature identified poor peer relations in the backgrounds of homosexuals more often than poor relationship with father.20 Nicolosi suggests this may partially be due to the fact that disruptions in the father-son relationship would have occurred at a very early age and may not be remembered, while problems with peers happen much later.14(p62)
The section “Emotional Traits” above pointed out that pre-homosexual boys often experience feelings of dependency, weakness, frailty, lack of body coordination due to fear and anxiety, excessive fear of physical injury, and general feelings of being different. These types of factors can create frustration and a sense of rejection in peer relationships that result in the individual feeling left out of peer group activities.14(p63) Many boys grow up believing that they cannot be part of the male group. They may fear male camaraderie and male environments.5(Tape 1) A fear of being humiliated in peer activities, such as team sports, may lead boys to pursue solitary activities.13(p48)
Bieber used the term “defense avoidance behavior” to describe a trait he found in most of the homosexuals in his study. He proposed that “fear of exposure to humiliative jibes of playmates and shame about felt inadequacy and over-attachment to a [close-binding-intimate] mother contributed to the withdrawal from male peer groups.” He also suggested that the father’s lack of support and contempt toward his son for not being “tough” reinforce the boy’s “sense of shame and impotence.”17(p205)
Some figures from the Bieber study provide a comparison between pre-heterosexual and pre-homosexual boys.17(p175)
Comparison of Boyhood Characteristics
Homosexual Group |
Control Group |
|
| “play activity before puberty predominantly with girls” |
33% |
10% |
| “a ‘lone wolf’ in childhood” | 60% |
27% |
| “reluctant to start school” | 43% |
23% |
In the place of typical boy activities, pre-homosexual boys may involve themselves in music, reading, drawing, computers, and watching television. They may learn to play girls’ games, or may establish “safe” friends with other shy boys.13(p48), 4(p161) Through all of this, the boy may also be longing for some kind of closeness with his male peers. He may feel that the closeness he desires is wrong and makes him even more different from them, increasing his sense of isolation.5(Tape 1)
Children are not known for their reserved tolerance of one another. They are keenly perceptive of real or imagined differences and tend to be ready and anxious to state their opinions. Young boys can somehow sense insecurity and awkwardness in each other and will attack those weaknesses, either through name calling or by physical attack. This confirms the shy boy’s belief that he is different and unacceptable and further discourages him from trying to integrate with his peers. It also encourages the development of escape mechanisms that the boy can use to avoid the pain of these negative relationships.17(p316-317), 4(p172), 5(Tape 1)
The mistreatment from other boys increases the pre-homosexual boy’s fear and shame and further alienates him from his peers. He misses his initiation into male comrade relationships where masculine identity is conveyed.14(p189) Bieber emphasizes the importance of what he calls “empathic interactions” that take place in these groups.17(p317) MASCULINE IDENTIFICATION seems to be built upon such “empathic interactions”—the sharing back and forth among boys of feelings, ideas, and motivations. Jeff Konrad said in this regard:
“I’m positive that if I allowed myself at a younger age to belong to—and feel a part of—a group of guys, it would have eliminated my gender confusion. I would have received fulfillment of same-sex needs without even consciously realizing it and never would have acquired a homosexual identity.”15(p212-213)
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MASCULINE IDENTIFICATION: a sense of belonging, or mutuality, with men. It seems to begin with a sense of being like father and being accepted by father,7(p27) which is later generalized into an ability to attach to other same-sex models.7(p29, 34)